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THESE are actual transcriptions from the court proceedings.

Attorney: “What was the first thing that your husband said to you that morning?”

Witness:  “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”

Attorney: “And why did that upset you?”

Witness: “My name is Susan.”

***

Attorney: “What gear were you in the moment of impact?”

Witness: “Gucci’s seats and Reebok.”

***

Attorney: “Are you sexually active?”

Witness: “No, I just lie there.”

***

Attorney: “What is your date of birth?”

Witness: “July 18.”

Attorney: “What year?”

Witness: “Every year.”

***

Attorney: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”

Witness: “38 or 35, I can’t remember which.”

Attorney: “How long has he lived with you?”

Witness: “45 years.”

***

Attorney: “The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?”

Witness: “He’s 20 much like your IQ.”

***

Attorney: “The date of conception of the baby was August 8th?”

Witness: “Yes.”

Attorney: “And what were you doing at that time?”

Witness: “Getting laid.”

***

Attorney: “She has 3 children, right?”

Witness: “Yes.”

Attorney: “How many were boys?”

Witness: “None.”

Attorney: “Were there any girls?”

Witness: “Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.”

***

Attorney: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

Witness: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

***

Attorney: “Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

Witness: “No.”

Attorney: “Blood pressure?”

Witness: “No.”

Attorney: “Breathing?”

Witness: “No.”

Attorney: “So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

Witness: “No.”

Attorney: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Attorney: “I see, but could the patient could have still been alive?”

Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he is here alive and practicing law.”

***

Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”

Witness: “By death.”

Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

Witness: “Take a guess.”

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